


sober

by wastedandalone



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Mechanic Tony Stark, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Protective Bucky Barnes, Relapsing, Teacher Bucky Barnes, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22552228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wastedandalone/pseuds/wastedandalone
Summary: // wake me when the shakes are gone, and the cold sweats disappear. call me when it's over and myself has reappeared...I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore. //trigger warnings + playlists will be added for each part.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Comments: 13
Kudos: 46





	1. remember all the things we wanted

**Author's Note:**

> playlist:  
> sober - demi lovato  
> train wreck - james arthur  
> already gone - sleeping at last
> 
> tw // alcoholism, relapse.  
> dealing with my own demons so I'm writing about them.

_ hold on, hold on to me, ‘cause I’m a little unsteady.  _

tony loosened himself from bucky’s grip, turning to check the dim alarm clock on his nightstand. the green numbers glowed just bright enough for him to read 2:37A.M. on the face. he groaned internally, not wanting to wake his husband. he had to be up in three hours and he hadn’t slept at all. being a mechanic always meant early mornings. he really should be up earlier, but it’s his own shop, so he can open when he wants and close when he wants. he always makes sure his mechanics get off at a decent hour, though. he couldn’t imagine being the reason why someone’s family was in shambles. in truth,  _ his  _ family should be the one in shambles. the company had barely been staying afloat for the past few months, but he couldn’t tell bucky yet. tony was so terrified of his husband seeing him as a failure that he couldn’t get the words out. so he said nothing at all. 

luckily, he had found a solution to his stress-induced insomnia. tony knew his limits when it came to alcohol. two drinks and he was warm and fuzzy enough to fall asleep. it was a good solution, really, except… except he wasn’t supposed to be drinking. at all. a year in rehab, five years in AA, and here he was, ready to throw it all away after six years of sobriety. it shouldn’t matter. he just needed something to calm his nerves. he knew his beloved whiskey could do that. he was one part terrified, two parts exhilarated. bucky was going to kick his ass in the morning and he’d be lucky if they weren’t divorced within the week. that thought alone was enough to  _ almost _ make him not do it, but he was already out of bed, padding quietly to his hidden cabinet in the coat closet. 

see, bucky had thought tony got rid of all his alcohol when they first moved in together. it was the one thing bucky had made his lover promise. he was already set to go into rehab the following week, and bucky knew he’d be incredibly lonely without his loud, annoying boyfriend there. but it would be worth it. however, tony had managed to sneak some past bucky somehow, and tonight, he was grateful for it. it was almost like he was meant to relapse. 

he opened the coat closet as quietly as he could, hoping it didn’t squeak like it normally did. thankfully, it only made the slightest bit of noise. tony’s heart was still racing, though. he knew he wasn’t supposed to, knew he should just wake bucky up or call his mentor, but this seemed like the most logical step. they couldn’t fix what was happening, though he supposed alcohol couldn’t either. however, it could numb the pain. soothe his frazzled nerves. he couldn’t let anyone find out about his failing company. he had to get it back on track. he could do that without anyone’s help. he just needed time, time he felt like he didn’t have. he carefully grabbed the bottle from the hidden cabinet, feeling its weight in his hands. the amber liquid sloshed as he turned the bottle, finally feeling a rush of adrenaline. before he knew it, his throat was burning as the whiskey traveled down. he tried to listen for any sign of bucky, but he must’ve missed his husband’s quiet footsteps. that sneaky bastard was always good at hiding with the shadows. the first thing tony heard was a disappointed sigh, and then an “oh, tones…” 

_ this house don’t feel like home.  _

in that moment, tony knew he fucked up. like, fucked up  _ bad _ . he never meant to let bucky down. as soon as bucky turned on the hallway light and tony saw his sad icy grey eyes, his conscious hit him like a freight train.  _ he had relapsed _ . his fingers uncurled from around the bottle, dropping it to the hardwood floor, glass shattering and the rest of the whiskey spilling into a puddle around the pair. bucky worked his way around the glass, trying to not get cut but also just needing to hold his tony. his feet would heal if they got cut but it would take ages to heal a broken tony. bucky just wanted to cry but in this moment tony was the one who needed to fall apart. as bucky's arms wrapped around his husband's shoulders, they shook. it took all of bucky’s strength to hold up tony as he sobbed, fully realizing what he’d done. tony immediately regretted ever thinking of touching the bottle. he knew better.  _ he knew better _ . 

the pain rattled through his chest, holding on to bucky as if he was holding on for dear life. the first words bucky heard from tony were, “I’m sorry, buck. I’m so fucking sorry.” words that he repeated over and over like a mantra, like it was the only thing that would anchor him to bucky, as if bucky was the person he should be apologizing to. bucky felt the shoulder of his shirt grow wetter, snot mixing with tears as he held tony. his heart shattered. he wondered what in the hell was going on that tony thought he needed to relapse. he knew school in the morning would be hell, but tony was his top priority right now. he wasn’t sure how he was going to put on a happy face for all of his little kiddos, but he knew he had to. he could fall apart at lunch. right now, bucky needed to be strong for his tones. and that’s exactly what he was going to do. 

he picked up his quietly sniffling husband, now not caring if he got glass shards in his feet. he carried his tony back to their bedroom, setting him on the bed. after he did so, he wiped his alcohol soaked feet on the rug, then turned on the lap that sat on his nightstand. when the light finally hit tony’s face, it took everything he had for him to not break down. tony was looking up at bucky with a tear stained face, frown set deep, bags under his eyes drooping even further. his hair was flat though slightly messy, just the way bucky liked it, and he physically felt his heart break into a trillion pieces. 

neither of them spoke for a few minutes. just looked at each other, not saying a word. tony looked more broken with each passing minute, and bucky’s tears nearly threatened to spill over. tony was the first to say something, but not before breaking eye contact, looking down to his feet and the large patterned rug that went around the perimeter of their bed. 

“I’m sorry.” he was hoarse from his sobs, and bucky lost it. he sat down next to tony, pulling his lover into his lap. bucky kissed the top of tony’s head, taking a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry, too.” 

tony wrapped his arms around bucky’s waist, curling back into him. 

_ if you love me, don’t let go. if you love me, don’t let go. _

they had the perfect dynamic. kindergarten teacher and car body shop owner. tony’s greasy t-shirts and collared mechanic shirts with “stark mechanics” embroidered on the front pocket next to bucky’s neat khaki pants and button-downs, along with all his whacky ties. he had a tie in every color for every occasion, and it always seemed he never had enough. his favorite ties were space themed ones, though. he had a tie dedicated to every planet including pluto, a galaxy tie he wore with a lavender shirt, and even one he bought at a nasa museum with apollo 11 on it. he had an elvis one he wore on or near elvis’s birthday, depending on when the school district ended their winter break. he had over 350 pairs of funky socks, too; bucky had counted. tony was fond of his blue mechanic shirts, and he was damn proud of every single grease and oil stain on all of his shop shirts. he knew bucky hated when he sat down to eat in a dirty shirt, but when tony had a long day, he never pestered his mechanic about it. bucky was just glad to have tony home. 

bucky was proud to wear a silver wedding band with a thin stripe of navy in the center. tony wore a plain black silicone one while he was in the shop, but whenever he went out with bucky, he made sure to wear the same silver and navy band bucky wore. he was proud to be married, proud to have someone he could call his. tony loved bucky with his whole heart, and it showed every time he looked at his lover. tony always looked at his bucky bear like he’d hung the moon, and in tony’s eyes, he did. 

which is why everything hurt right now as bucky worked to get tony calmed back down. the sun was peeking through their bedroom windows now, seeing as it was almost 5A.M. they hadn’t really talked much, save for bucky’s reassuring whispers. they had laid down at some point, bucky never letting go of his tones. one hand was laced in tony’s hair, the other still holding on to his waist. tony was gripping a ball of bucky’s t-shirt in one hand, the other curled up near buck’s left shoulder. he had his eyes closed, just breathing. bucky had a million things he wanted to say, but couldn’t settle on anything, so he opted to wait until tony spoke. when he did, a moment later, the words further cracked his already broken heart.

“you’re not gonna leave me, are you?” 

tony squeezed his eyes shut, bracing for impact, the terrible ten on the scale of pain. he figured he wasn’t worth loving anyways. 


	2. you couldn't have loved me better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> playlist:   
> it's all gonna burn - blackbear  
> adore you - harry styles  
> anyone - demi lovato  
> watermelon sugar - harry styles
> 
> this one is a little fluffier but still mostly emo.

_ we weren’t meant to last, let alone meant to be. we got nothing to do except breaking both our hearts.  _

however, bucky was thinking something entirely different. his words shocked tony. “tones, I promised for better or for worse. I’m staying right here.” 

tony uncurled his fist from bucky's shirt, opting to lay his hand flat on his chest. 

"you're...you don't...want a divorce?" the words were uncertain coming out of tony's mouth. he was so sure bucky would leave him that he'd already planned to be dead within the week. but here bucky was, proving him wrong, the rat bastard. tony tilted his head up to kiss bucky's jaw before he replied. 

"anthony, no, I don't want a divorce. just because you relapsed doesn't mean I love you any less. relapse is a part of recovery. you're okay, love, I promise. whatever you're going through, we'll get through together. just like we promised. you don't have to talk about anything now, but I'll be here when you're ready. you're my babydoll, I can't let you go just yet." 

tony knew as soon as he heard “anthony” whatever bucky was about to say was of utmost importance, so he listened. he wasn’t sure he believed it, but he listened. right as tony was about to reply, his alarm went off, and he groaned, out loud this time. he snuggled closer into bucky, letting the radio station just play on, giving the 6am news with the weather and traffic updates. 

_ it's all gonna burn someday. _

“I don’t wanna go to work, buck,” tony whined. bucky’s breath hitched. tony  _ loved  _ going to work. he knew something was wrong in that moment, but he decided to not press it. 

“me neither, baby, but we gotta. gotta save up for those adoption fees, huh?” bucky whispered. 

“come shower with me. I don’t wanna be alone,” tony replied. 

“of course, darlin. get your things together and I’ll be right there.”

it took a moment for tony to drag himself out of bucky’s arms. he didn’t want to leave the one place he felt safe. but he needed a distraction, needed to get to work. he knew he’d face a lot more pain there, but nothing hurt worse than letting his bucky down. he was hoping a magical lump of money would be sitting on his desk when he got there, enough to pay the mortgage for the past three months, and the electric bill from last month. they were bringing in plenty of money; the shop was always full with cars needing repairs, so he had no idea where the money was going. that was something he would have to worry about when he got to the shop, though. for now, he needed to focus on getting ready and getting back into their morning routine. 

normally, bucky would sleep when tony showered. after tony got out and got dressed, he’d quietly walk to the kitchen in his sock feet, putting on a pot of coffee before coming back to their bedroom and gently waking up his husband. it was their routine. and it was perfect. but this morning it was different. tony didn’t want to be left alone. he peeled himself off of bucky, already missing the warmth of his husband. he trudged off to the adjoined bathroom, rubbing his face in his hands. when he walked in, he grabbed two towels from the linen closet, setting them on the counter. he took off bucky’s t-shirt he wore to bed, and his slytherin pajama pants. bucky walked in as he began to brush his teeth, and his husband's arms found their way around his waist. bucky kissed the side of his head softly, a little reminder of  _ i love you. _

_ what did we do to mess this thing up? running away from nothing at all. we don't need to wait for the sky to fall down. it's all gonna burn someday. _

they fixed breakfast and had their coffee. bucky wore his favorite teacher outfit, the lavender shirt, galaxy tie, and khaki pants. his hair was perfectly styled as always, and tony had to admit, he had a hot husband. he was trying to distract himself, to think about something other than his relapse. he felt like shit. but as he and bucky laughed and danced around the kitchen to their morning playlist and sizzling eggs, it was hard not to smile. to forget about all his problems for a small moment. tony held on to these times, to the moments where no one else in the world mattered; it was just sunshine and butterflies in his stomach and he felt like he just met bucky for the first time. "watermelon sugar" played from tony's bluetooth speaker, and bucky turned from the stove to face his husband. he smiled wide, showing his perfect teeth and the beautiful pink lips tony loved to kiss. he closed the distance between him and his lover, running his hands down tony's sides over the top of his blue mechanic shirt. he tipped his head down to nuzzle his nose against tony's. 

"dance with me, doll," he whispered over the music. 

_ breathe me in, breathe me out. I don't know if I could ever go without. _

after the two had been fed, they cleared the kitchen haphazardly, knowing they'd clean it better after their date tonight. it was friday. friday night was always date night. that was tradition. 

tony left first, needing to tend to the car shop. bucky handed him his jacket, knowing the early spring air would still be a little chilly. he cradled tony's face in his hands, kissing him for a little longer today. tony had his arms around bucky's neck, not wanting to let go. tony rested his forehead on bucky's. 

"thank you for staying. I love you, honey," tony said. bucky sniffed, not wanting to cry before he left for work. 

"I love you, babydoll. have a good day at work, okay? it’s date night. don’t get home too late.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” tony promised. he placed his hands on bucky’s chest, adjusting the half windsor knot he had his tie knotted into. “be good today. I’ll see you tonight, sweetheart.”

_ walk through fire for you. just let me adore you, like it’s the only thing I’ll ever do.  _

bucky arrived at school, taking a moment to turn on all his lamps around the room and logging in to his computer, checking his email. something about a staff lunch, someone on a maternity leave, more arbitrary news. he took a sip of coffee from his favorite travel mug, the one tony had gotten him on their honeymoon to disney. it was a tall, white ceramic cup with a handle on it, and the mickey mouse head in gay pride colors. he tried not to think too hard about last night or this morning, or the past six months. tony had been off, a bit distant, and missing a couple AA meetings here and there. he took his recovery very seriously, so bucky wasn’t sure why he would miss. he was staying late at work, bucky knew, but why? he glanced to the bottom right hand corner of his computer screen, seeing the clock reading 8:27A.M. the kiddos would be let off the bus soon, so he abandoned his coffee at his desk, straightening his tie, trying his best to not appear worried or upset or tired, despite the fact that he was very,  _ very  _ tired. in fact, he was glad the kids were going to the computer lab at 9:30 this morning so he could grab another cup of coffee from the teacher break room. 

he must not have done a good enough job of hiding his true emotions, though. he high-fived or hugged each student that walked in before they hung up their jackets and book bags. however, when little peter came in, one of bucky’s favorite kids, his heart ached. he knew tony’s relapse would set back their adoption timeline, but it was okay. he still had tony. they can wait. after giving peter a quick hug as he always did, peter took a moment before walking all the way in to the classroom. 

“mr. barnes, are you okay?” he questioned, brows furrowed, frown on his face. bucky put on his best, most convincing smile. 

“of course, peter. I’m here. there’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” bucky said softly. peter seemed to take this as an acceptable answer, and giddied off to his backpack cubby. 

throughout the day, bucky realized the kids were actually behaving. usually he had to remind maria that interrupting her classmates wasn’t friendly behavior, but today she was listening intently. each kiddo even got a piece of candy when they left the computer lab. he was impressed. 

he was also incredibly thankful. he would have positively lost his shit if the kids were misbehaving today. although, he wasn’t too far off from losing it by the time lunch and recess rolled around. he dropped the kids off at the cafeteria. it wasn’t his turn for lunch duty or recess duty, so he headed back down the hall to his classroom to eat at his desk. as bucky munched on his usual peanut butter and jelly, he looked at the framed picture of him and tony from their wedding day on his desk. tony looked beautiful in his grey suit with a navy tie and white rose boutonniere. they were both smiling widely, showing their teeth, one arm around each other, the other hands clasped out in front of them. the picture was on the front steps of the courthouse where they got married. he remembered that day. it was a week after tony had celebrated three years of sobriety. and they were happy. 

maybe it was all a little too much for him and maybe he should’ve taken the day off, but he was glad he was here. even as he felt the tears well up in his eyes and the first one fall, many more coming after that, he knew being at home wallowing with tony wasn’t what he needed. he wondered what had made tony snap and relapse, wondered why tony didn’t think he was good enough to help. those were all conversations he’d need to have later with his husband, but for now, it was time to put on a brave face and get through the rest of the day. he had a date with tony tonight. they were going to their favorite waffle house. it was breakfast for dinner night, and he was hoping that maybe easy laughs over pecan waffles and coffee would be healing enough for now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 2! still not sure how long I'm gonna make this fic, I'm shooting for maybe 5-6 parts. hope you enjoy this chapter. <3


	3. into your arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> playlist: 
> 
> cough medicine - young the giant   
> sweet creature - harry styles   
> hand to hold on to - john mellencamp  
> in my blood - shawn mendes 
> 
> trigger warnings: mentions/slight description of childhood abuse/trauma, mainly how mr. Barnes was involved. tony beating himself up for his relapse. crime begins in this chap, it's an employee. on par w the AA program, tony and bucky are Christian but tony is questioning his faith. some description of AA. angst w fluff at the end.

_ life’s too short to even care at all. I’m losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control. _

as tony drove to work that morning, he thought of all the ways he’d already failed that day. he had managed to relapse, make his buckaroo sad, and he still had no fucking clue how he was going to deal with the company that morning. he thanked whoever was listening that it was date night. waffle house had a way of soothing his overworked neurons that wouldn’t stop pumping adrenaline into his system. his thoughts were racing and they wouldn’t stop, no matter how much he willed himself to. his faith had deepened with AA, but right now, tony wasn’t sure if God was there or if He was even listening. he knew he needed to contact his mentor, go back to church with bucky on sunday, but he wasn’t sure he could. these were all things he would flesh out later tonight with bucky, but right now he was pulling into his usual spot at work, and he had much, much bigger fish to fry. 

everything appeared normal when he got there. he flipped the shop lights on, setting on another pot of coffee to brew before he sat down at his desk. he went over shop invoices from the last month as his computer booted up. the clock on his wall read 7:30a.m. and he knew it was much too early to be stressing. his best employee, noah, would be here shortly. he was usually here around 7:45, most guys weren’t here until around 7:55. the shop officially opened at 8am. tony liked to make sure his guys were in a good work environment where they all worked together and used their collective brain power to figure out why a car was running a certain code when there was no reason for it to be running that code. stark mechanics had earned the reputation of the best car shop around town, and it wasn’t just talk that got them there. they had happy customers and beautiful cars to show for it. 

which is why none of this made sense. he looked his spreadsheets over again. the sum total people had been billed was nearly half of what had actually been deposited in the bank. tony had no idea where the money was going. it obviously wasn’t going toward electric bills or shop supplies. a lot of what stark mechanics did was simple stuff: oil changes, tire rotations, recharging air conditioning units. sure, they had the occasional wreck, and they had a paint booth, but those were less frequent. most people paid in cash for their services. tony always ran background checks on the guys he hired, made sure they had trustworthy references. it wasn’t like he just hired random people off the street. his eyebrows were furrowed with a frustrated look on his face when he heard the soft click of the shop door. he looked up from his desk and saw noah striding into the shop. tony greeted him with a warm “good morning!” before going back to poring over his spreadsheets and invoices. he didn’t want to think about it, but maybe… was it possible one of his employees was  _ embezzling  _ from tony? he didn’t want to believe it. he couldn’t. his guys were too good. but  _ what if?  _

that what-if, and many more after that, kept his mind occupied until 5pm. he had to get home and get cleaned up. it was breakfast for dinner night, and tony couldn’t have been more excited. he made sure to drink plenty of water today so he could reward himself with coffee at dinner tonight. he knew bucky would be proud. all of his guys had left already, so he turned off the lights in his office, then walking out to the shop and turning off the lights there, too. he hoped he could solve this mystery before they shut off the electricity and took away his shop. tony knew if he didn’t have work, he’d lose it. it wouldn’t be fair. God would just be playing some cruel tricks on him, and the next thing tony knew bucky would  _ for sure  _ be leaving him. honestly, he didn’t feel worthy of bucky’s love. no matter what shit tony put his husband through, he stayed, and tony could never thank him enough. he had to stop spiraling, he reminded himself. he and bucky were just fine. 

tony began to leave the shop, walking out the door and double checking to make sure it was locked before hopping into his little cherry red suv, heading home to his bucky.

_ so I run to the things they said could restore me, restore life the way it should be. I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down.  _

when tony got home, he parked in the driveway like usual, getting out and punching in the garage door code. he was so ready to see bucky, so ready to collapse in his arms again, hold his hand across the table. he nearly sighed with relief when he saw bucky sitting in his recliner, harry styles’ new album playing softly while he read a book on child psychology. 

bucky was vigilant. he made sure to stay on top of his students, always looking for any signs of abuse or mental distress. over his ten years in teaching, he’s only had one case of abuse, and it nearly tore tony apart. he was there through the cps reports, court dates, additional training. throughout that year, tony held his husband tighter than he ever had. the couple wished they could’ve adopted the little girl, but tony’s sponsor didn’t think he was ready. for what it’s worth, tony didn’t either. this train of thought immediately took over, causing him to still as soon as he walked into the kitchen where the door from the garage led to. bucky heard the door shut and set his book down gently, getting up to greet his husband and get ready for their date. he walked faster toward the older man as a look of sadness and worry etched itself onto tony’s face. bucky gently placed a hand on tony’s face, brows furrowing before a soft “babydoll, what’s wrong?” 

tony nuzzled his face into bucky’s palm, trying to not cry again. he squeezed his eyes shut, not being able to prevent the few tears that fell. his mind was getting to him again, and he felt like shit. 

“buck, you should leave. while you still can. I don’t deserve you,” tony whispered. the next thing he knew, he was pressed into bucky’s chest, as sobs racked his body for the second time that day. “I just -- fuck -- everything -- up.” 

the nagging part of bucky hoped tony wasn’t getting any grease on his favorite shirt, but husband bucky didn’t care. tony needed him right now. 

“anthony edward barnes, absolutely not. no. you are staying right here with me. you can fight me all you want, but I am staying put. you’re okay, angel. you’re safe. what happened?” 

it was like a flood had been released. tony took a deep breath before releasing everything he’d been bottling up for the past eight hours. 

“I think someone is stealing from the company and I messed up our adoption timeline and if I don’t get the company’s shit together I’m gonna lose it and I’ll lose you and...fuck,” he drew in another breath. “I can’t do this alone. I wanna start drinking again, so bad, but I don’t wanna jeopardize our future little girl. I want a baby with you more than anything. you’re keeping me anchored.” 

bucky stayed silent for a few moments, soaking everything in. 

“oh, babydoll,” he sighed, pressing a soft kiss to the top of tony’s head. “we’re gonna be okay. we’ll get through this. we’ll talk about all this later, but for now, let’s get ready for our date, yeah?”

tony nodded against bucky’s chest. “yeah, okay we can do that.” 

_ sweet creature, sweet creature. wherever I go, you bring me home. sweet creature, sweet creature. when I run out of road, you bring me home. _

both tony and bucky changed into something much more comfortable, swapping out work clothes for a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve disneyworld t-shirt for tony, a long sleeve panama city beach t-shirt for bucky. tony washed his face and fussed with his hair for a bit before giving bucky an approving nod. "ready?" 

"of course, baby." 

and with that, they were off to waffle house. 

the night was spent cracking jokes and showing each other ridiculous memes the other didn't understand. bucky had shown tony a very nuanced psychology one and tony got  _ very  _ confused, so in return, tony showed bucky one of carburetors and spark plugs. he felt his spirit get less heavy as the coffee flowed and the scent of freshly made pecan waffles wafted through the air. easy music drifted throughout the diner, "hurts so good" by john mellencamp surrounding the pair in a warm hug like a long lost friend. 

maybe things weren't okay, but for now, as bucky leaned over the table to kiss his husband's nose, tony decided that eventually, they would be. he could do anything with bucky by his side. 


	4. clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> triggers: none! basically lots of fluff and some slight angst. some mentions of religion/church, stuff like that, and the song for this chapter is a Christian song. it means a lot to me and makes me cry. 
> 
> playlist:   
> home - one direction  
> clear - needtobreathe  
> God only knows - for king & country  
> hesitate - jonas brothers

_ wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’. too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’. nobody, nobody, nobody sees you. nobody, nobody would believe you.  _

as tony and bucky got ready for church that morning, something was off. they weren’t laughing and making jokes with each other. they had only been attending sporadically throughout the past four months. these past weeks have been littered with crying on bucky’s shoulder, AA meetings every other night, daily calls with his sponsor, more nervous breakdowns than tony ever thought he could handle, and even attorney appointments, poring over the paperwork that would prove noah guilty in court on wednesday. this would get stark mechanics back on track, and they’d be okay soon. that’s what they hoped, at least. 

the ushers greeted the pair when they walked into the contemporary service. metal chairs were clanking against tables and coffee was brewing on the back table. people came up to greet the two, giving hugs and handshakes, welcoming them back among a chorus of “we’ve missed you!” 

it was better than tony was expecting. some of the people he’s closest to, guys he considered his brothers, knew what was happening and brought him to the side to let him know they were all praying for him, and checking in to see how they were both doing. bucky was with his “teacher sisters,” he called them. the moms absolutely adored bucky. it was cute, actually. they would talk about classroom decorations and the new book they’d been reading, whether it was about child psychology or a new teaching method. 

they were both laughing in their respective little groups, smiling and feeling more lighthearted than they had been, momentarily forgetting about the upcoming court date. first united methodist church was their second home, and it felt so good to be back. they had missed this. tony and bucky joined back up when the band began their first song of the service. 

tony had missed this, missed volunteering with the youth group. he was afraid everyone would think of him differently for relapsing and for everything happening with his shop, but it was just the opposite and he was so thankful. bucky missed seeing tony interact with the middle schoolers, letting each one of them know they were loved and they could all come to papa when they needed to. bucky’s chest swelled with adoration every time. he couldn’t wait to be a father with tony. sure, the schedule had changed, but in hindsight it was for the better. with everything going on with tony’s company right now, bucky couldn’t imagine taking care of a child along with that. they’d be spending weeks on end in front of a judge, and bucky didn’t have much paid time off, since school just started back up a week ago. august was always busy, but luckily the shop had died down a bit. the community and the church had rallied around the pair, raising enough money to keep it open while the legal battles waged on. they were blessed. they were lucky to have people who cared about them so deeply. they both came from homophobic families, so coming to a place where they were loved was so different. 

the service went on, and tony felt as if a weight had been lifted off his chest when him and his husband left. it felt good. 

_ God only knows what you’ve been through. God only knows what they say about you. God only knows how it’s killing you, but there’s a kind of love that God only knows.  _

tony hated dressing up. absolutely despised it. the only time he ever wanted to wear a suit was for his future little girl’s adoption day and his wedding. the latter had already come to pass, and today certainly wasn’t the former, no matter how bad he wished it was. no, today, he was the plaintiff in an embezzlement case, and he hated it. bucky was going with him for support; tony had told him he couldn’t do this alone. bucky had left his substitute teacher with an extremely detailed lesson plan for the day -- mr. barnes hated it when his kiddos didn’t like his lessons. 

bucky held tony’s hand all the way to the courthouse. tony was too shaky to drive. bucky had rubbed his thumb across the back of his husband’s hand all the way there, trying to soothe some of the nerves. 

“baby, we’ll be okay. you have all the evidence and a great lawyer. he doesn’t have a leg to stand on,” bucky reassured. tony sighed.

“I know, but what if it’s not enough? what if--”

“honey, look at me.” 

tony turned his head, and bucky glanced at him when he felt tony’s eyes on him.

“that’s not going to happen. it’s going to turn out fine. I promise. I’ll be right here through all of it.” 

tony brought his husband’s hand up to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. “I don’t deserve you, buck,” tony whispered.

“yes, you do, tones. everyone needs a hand to hold on to.”

tony squeezed bucky’s hand. “I love you.” 

before bucky could reply, they pulled into the courthouse parking lot. bucky looked to tony, trying to read his expression. it was a mix of worry, fear, anger. tony wasn’t ready for this. he never would be. he was so ready to get this over with. 

the two walked in, meeting up with their lawyer in the entryway, exchanging pleasant handshakes and small smiles. tony was radiating with nervous energy, and bucky hated feeling it. their lawyer walked in to the courtroom ahead of the two, and bucky leaned in to whisper to tony.

“you think too damn loud, babe.”

tony let out a small chuckle. “nah, your hearing is just too damn good.”

bucky kissed his husband’s temple, placing his hand on tony’s back, leading him in to the room. 

the day went off without a hitch, despite it being emotionally and mentally draining. the jury and judge ruled noah guilty, sentencing a fine of fifty thousand and ten years in state prison. noah took nearly ten grand from stark mechanics, so the fine would be enough to put into safekeeping in case of emergency. tony left feeling at peace, yet weirdly conflicted. he didn’t want to do this to noah, but he had no choice. at least, now, they could focus on getting a baby girl adopted. their shared pinterest board was brimming with ideas and diy projects to turn the spare bedroom into a lovely little nursery. sage green walls with baby pink accents and maple furniture, complete with tony’s rocking chair he’d always dreamed of. bucky couldn’t wait to see his husband holding their little bundle of joy. walking out of the courthouse, they were both oddly excited, filled with hope that the next time they were here, it would be to finalize the adoption. 

when the pair landed back in the car, after a bit of banter about what to do for dinner and deciding on a local fazoli’s, bucky started the conversation about their adoption plans. they had been in contact with an adoption agency, and had submitted their scrapbook for birthmothers to look at. the home safety inspection went flawlessly last week. they were one step closer. tony had gotten rid of all his leftover alcohol the week after he relapsed, for good. they had been in contact with their agency, forever families through adoption, and gave them the go ahead to put their scrapbook back out there and start giving it to mothers again. they needed lighthearted conversation after the tough day they’d had. 

_ for the lonely, for the ashamed, the misunderstood and the ones to blame, what if we could start over? we could start over, we could start over, ‘cause there’s a kind of love that God only knows. _

“are you ready for a little barnes-stark to be running around?”

“honestly, buck, I don’t know if I ever will be. some part of me says I don’t deserve it, but the majority of me is so ready to welcome our little baby girl. I can’t wait to rock her to sleep every night.” 

bucky couldn’t hide his smile. picturing his husband in the rocking chair they’d been hoping for with a little one all sleepy in a pajama onesie and the little mittens newborns wear so they don’t scratch themselves. his chest became tight, and he nearly teared up. they’d wanted this for so long. 

“baby, you deserve this more than anyone I know. between everything we’ve gone through with our parents, and my health scare when we first started dating, and all your stuff with the business and everything else. the common thread is this baby girl we’ve always dreamed of. we deserve this.”

as soon as bucky parked the car at fazoli’s, his phone rang. tony was only picking up one side, but as the conversation went on, he grew more and more frantic.

“hello? … oh, hey nancy! so nice to hear from you… mhmm, yes, we’re still interested. oh, that’s fantastic… yeah, we’d love to meet her… we’re available for a road trip this weekend… ridgewood, new jersey… we’ll be there. thank you, nancy!” 

“what the fuck was that?” tony asked, not wanting to get too excited yet.

“pregnant momma wants to meet us. she picked us for her open adoption,” bucky said, trying to hide his sheer joy. 

tony tore out of the car, rushing over to bucky’s side, blowing his door open and dragging him out of the car, crushing him immediately in a bone-shattering embrace. 

“it’s finally happening,” tony whispered, ready to cry right there in the fazoli’s parking lot. and that’s exactly what he did. 

his shoulders heaved into bucky, sobbing tears of joy, feeling bucky breathing just as heavily. this was real. they had been picked. they had been chosen, and now it was their turn to be daddies. 

after they had shared a few kisses and wiped their tears away, they walked into fazoli’s lighter than air. tony could hardly hold his smile in as he ordered his fettuccine. he ended up telling the teenager at a register they “just found out we’re gonna be parents.” the young man cracked a smile and congratulated the pair. while they waited for their food, they held hands and picked out the major aspects of the nursery: the crib, paint color and accent colors, her bedding, their beloved rocking chair. tony suddenly felt a lot better about being a father. this was real. this was happening. and it felt so good to finally have something going right in their world. this felt like home. 

_ God only knows the real you. there’s a kind of love that God only knows. _


	5. little things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> calypso is finally here. 
> 
> playlist:  
> two pieces - demi lovato  
> so small - carrie underwood  
> round the clock - dan + shay  
> better man - 5 seconds of summer

_ we don’t know where to go, so I’ll just get lost with you. we’ll never fall apart, ‘cause we fit together right; we fit together right. _

the nursery was finished. tony’s heart swelled every time he and bucky stood in the room. they had switched to white furniture because it looked better with the light pink, sage green, and pale grey. a tropical mobile hung above the crib with palm tree leaves and flamingos. the sheets on the changing table and in her crib had hibiscus flowers on them. above her crib, there was a wood sign that read “ohana means family.” on the small wall between the door and the closet, there was a print the two had bought from etsy featuring a rainbow and a Bible verse that had become their mantra since the birth mother chose them, 1 samuel 1:27: “for this child we have prayed, and the Lord has granted the desires of our heart.” the name they had picked out was strung up in a banner over her well-stocked changing table, and they had already picked out their favorite onesies to keep out, keeping a stock of them as well. calypso aila was already so loved, and they couldn’t wait to hold her. audrey had invited them to be at the hospital with her. they agreed to come, but opted to stay in the waiting room until she gave the okay for them to come in. audrey was being induced tomorrow since her estimated due date was two days ago. nancy had waited to call until audrey knew for sure that she was having a baby girl, so they’d only had about three months to get everything ready. in the meantime, they had a baby shower, went to new parent classes, built the nursery. the pair had been busy bees, but everything was done with excitement and love. it was the beginning of december, and they couldn’t wait to have their christmas baby. tony could hardly believe this was his life. here he was at 35, expecting a baby girl, married to the love of his life. the pair stood barely in the doorway of the new nursery, and tony gave it a good look, admiring their hard work. tony turned abruptly, burying his face into bucky’s chest and the soft fabric of his t-shirt. he sniffed a couple times, tears welling up in his eyes. bucky rested his head on top of tony's, wrapping his arms around tony's shoulders. they were finally getting their happiness, and it was about damn time.

_ these dark clouds over me rain down and roll away. we’ll never fall apart ‘cause we fit together like two pieces of a broken heart.  _

  
  


tony and bucky fell asleep that night wrapped up in each other, phone ringers on in case either nancy or audrey called. they had giggled and shared lazy kisses for two and a half hours, feeling like little kids on christmas. to them, this was their christmas. calypso aila was the best present they could’ve ever received, and she wasn’t even here yet. they couldn’t wait to see her earth side. they each had a copy of her sonogram tucked neatly into their wallets, and they were so happy that it was nearly time for their baby girl to be here. 

audrey had opted to come to manhattan for her delivery. tony and bucky told her a million times she didn’t have to, that they were more than willing to travel back to ridgewood, but she dismissed them with a wave of her hand, saying she wanted to come to manhattan. she took some extra time off to see the city after she recovered. 

the husbands were in a light sleep, too excited to see if they’d be getting the call, but sleep nonetheless. tony could feel that bucky was awake by his breathing pattern.

“I know you’re awake, babe,” tony whispered. 

“guilty as charged.” 

“do you think she’s been induced yet?”

bucky’s voice was still gravelly from sleep, and his eyes were still shut. tony was buried in his chest, clung onto his bucky like a koala bear. bucky had one hand on tony’s hip, the other under tony’s neck cradling his head. 

“probably not, baby. her appointment wasn’t until eight in the morning.” 

a quick glance at the clock had shown that it was a quarter past four. tony groaned.

“ugh, why does childbirth have to take so long?” 

bucky chuckled and kissed the top of tony’s head, taking in the mixed smell of his shampoo and whatever serum he puts in it after he showers to make it silky smooth. his hand slipped underneath tony’s t-shirt, rubbing tony’s bare side, tracing mindless patterns. 

“I don’t know, doll. it’s almost like she’s bringing a whole new human into the world or something.”

tony kicked bucky’s shin lightly. “shut up, asshole.” 

the smile bucky felt on tony’s lips as he kissed bucky’s shoulder told him everything he needed to know. 

“oh, fuck off. you’re just salty ‘cause you know I’m right,” bucky teased. 

“yeah, which is why I’m calling you an asshole. would you prefer dickwad? wet sock? useless paperclip? cream faced loon? artless barnacle?” 

“alright, shakespeare, I think you need to go back to sleep,” bucky reminded him. “I should’ve never introduced you to shakespearean insults.”

“sleep? I don’t know her. never knew her, actually.”

“yeah, right. that’s exactly why I have to wake you up from your chair every night before dinner. you’re not even a dad yet and you already act like one.” 

“you better quit while you’re ahead before I tie you up with your favorite tie and go meet calypso by myself.”

bucky gasped in mock hurt. “you wouldn’t dare.”

“oh, but I would,” tony snarked, laughing as he did so. 

“take that back, you gorbellied canker-blossom!” 

“excuse me?” 

bucky pushed his koala away from him. “you heard me.” 

it was tony’s turn to feign hurt, gasping louder than bucky had. 

“fuck you, barnes!” 

“you wish, stark!” 

they both erupted into laughter, coming back towards each other, nuzzling noses together. as soon as their lips touched, bucky’s phone rang. it was nancy’s ringtone, “home” by one direction. 

they both stilled as the song began echoing through the bedroom.

_ I was stumbling, looking in the dark, with an empty heart, but you say you feel the same. could we ever be enough? baby, we could be enough.  _

“answer it, dumbass!” 

bucky scrambled to pick it up, excitedly muttering a “hello?” 

tony was close enough to hear what nancy was saying, and his excitement only grew. 

“how soon can you make it to bellevue hospital?” 

“20 minutes tops. we’re on our way.” 

they had slept in clean t-shirts and hospital-acceptable sweatpants in case the call came. they both scrambled out of bed, tony going to grab socks and a pair of adidas, and bucky rushing to the bathroom connected to their bedroom to brush his teeth and spritz on some cologne. after a few minutes, they switched places, tony going to the bathroom and bucky going to put his shoes on. they each gave their duffle bags a once-over, making sure they had a change of clothes, their toiletries, the baby pink prayer shawl the church had given them, and a newborn sized flamingo onesie. the car seat was already in tony’s car with her blanket. audrey was coming with some supplies of her own. they had collaborated on every aspect, bucky making additional lists in the margins of his lesson plans. he had an entire notebook dedicated to the adoption, to calypso, and it was already well-worn. he carried it everywhere. it had everything in it, from their adoption timeline to name combinations and baby shower decorations. bucky was so excited to become a daddy, and tony nearly fell to his knees every time he looked at bucky. they had decided on their names. bucky was daddy and tony was papa. it was adorable, really, how they’d been calling each other their names for the past two weeks. “to practice,” tony had said. bucky just smirked, a light chuckle filling the air when tony first proposed it. 

“alright, papa, let’s go pick out her stroller.” 

tony could’ve passed out from adoration in that moment. 

tony stopped halfway out the kitchen door, bucky stopping right next to him. tony looked to his husband, cracking a smile. “are you ready?” 

bucky returned his grin. “more than.” 

_ now I can lay my head down and fall asleep. oh, but I don’t have to fall asleep to see my dreams, ‘cause they’re right there in front of me.  _

nancy met them in the waiting room of the labor and delivery department of bellevue. she greeted them with excited hugs, beaming at the dads-to-be. 

“your baby girl should be here soon. audrey just started to push,” she stated. “how are you two feeling?” 

tony answered quickly. “nervous as hell.” he didn’t want to admit it, but what if he was as shitty a father as his was? bucky reassured him constantly that tony wouldn’t be that way, that he was going to be an incredible papa, but he couldn’t help but worry. bucky grabbed his hand then, and nancy gave him a sympathetic look. 

“you’re gonna be a fantastic dad, tony. I know you will,” she assured softly. hearing it from someone other than bucky did soothe his nerves a bit, but he’d just have to find out when calypso got here. 

“I, personally, am very excited,” bucky interjected, bringing the mood back up. he was good at that. 

“as you should be! I’m going to check on audrey if you two would like to join?” 

the two husbands looked at each other, shaking their heads after a silent conversation. 

“that’s okay. we’ll give her some privacy. report back to us as soon as we can hold calypso, please!” bucky answered. nancy nodded, understanding. 

“will do. the next time you see me, it’ll be to hold your baby girl,” she smiled. tony and bucky nodded, smiling themselves as she turned and walked back towards audrey’s room. they sat down in the two nearest chairs, dropping their bags on the floor with it. tony immediately leaned his head on bucky’s shoulder. bucky glanced at his husband, taking in his face. there was worry etched all over. bucky sighed, wishing he could help tony. all he could do was support his tones. he rested his head on top of tony’s. 

“I love you,” bucky whispered.

“I love you more,” tony replied, just as quietly. 

they stayed like that for what felt like forever. tony fell asleep just like that, small snores coming from him. bucky closed his eyes for a moment as well, but as soon as his eyes shut, nancy was bursting through the hallway door. 

“she’s here! calypso is here!”

bucky and tony both jerked awake, grabbing their bags and jumping up, following nancy down the hall at an excited pace. they finally paused outside of audrey’s room. they shared a smile before stepping in, the pair following nancy. 

audrey was holding calypso, and the baby was bundled in a pink blanket, her head adorned with a pink beanie. tony felt tears well up in his eyes as he approached audrey’s bed cautiously. audrey smiled up at him, greeting him with a “she’s here!” 

tony placed his bag down, never taking his eyes off his baby girl. 

“she sure is.” 

“would you like to hold her?” audrey asked. he hesitated for a moment. he looked to bucky with a scared look in his eyes, and bucky nodded to him. “go on,” he mouthed. 

“yeah, I’d love to,” tony responded. audrey carefully handed him calypso. he leaned down, gathering her in his arms. she opened her eyes momentarily, and she had beautiful brown eyes that looked exactly like tony’s. she was perfect. bucky came and stood beside tony, admiring his little girl. 

“nice to see you earth side, angel,” he joked. tony smiled at the two. this was everything he’d ever dreamed of. here he was with his husband by his side, holding his new baby girl. for once, he finally believed everything would be okay. sure, they’d have bumps in the road, but with calypso and bucky, he could do anything. 

_ we fit together like two pieces of a broken heart. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for sticking with me. this was so much fun to write. heart-wrenching at some points, but all the fluff in this chapter makes up for everything I believe. love you all. please let me know if you guys would like another part/chapter and I'll make it happen <3


	6. loving on island time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> author is a dumbass.

because I am a complete and total idiot, I forgot to include the link to tony's pinterest boards. this features nursery and wedding boards. it's v cute. enjoy. 

https://www.pinterest.com/buckyshusband11212015/calypso-aila/


End file.
